It's this barrier-like thing. Yeah, that's what holding me back. Wonder how it came about? How it just planted itself on the path laid out in front of me. So now, I cant move forward, because something, someone's holding me back. The number of emails typed out -- and sent to the trash bin. How words seem to die in my throat everytime I want to talk to you, how it feels like I've sinned everytime I opened the folder containing all our pictures, how it feels to see your handwriting on random pages of my textbooks. I'll never forget how you taught me to make stones skid across the waves, never forget how you taught me to strum the strings to the tune of Contagious with your guitar picks.
Time after time, I never seem to learn my lesson. Putting my trust into the wrong friends. Distancing away from the true ones. It's like wrong to approach them now. Hell, I rlly miss those primary school and lower sec days, bcos I was happy then, and everybody's happy too. And there's no behind-your-back shitstuffs.
_____ and I were talking last night. And he said "I dont really like it now. It's like we're forced to study not for knowledge, but for exams. Everybody only care about results now. We dont have feelings for what we're studying for." We're still being "protected in the school now", which is "nurturing and building" us up for the "ugly, working society next time". We should all enjoy school, enjoy life. Who knows if you'll die tomorrow, or you'll lose something dear to you? That's life yes? I feel like I need to run away from this place, my current state of mind's just taking each day as it comes. Everything's turning ugly.
Plain.
Ugly. Somebody need to make more rainbows. Though, even then, I might not smile.
My archives, 23March08 --
Beauty can be a friend who knows when to sit quietly by our side. It can be found in nature or in a stunning moment of self-recognition. Beauty can be found in one special person who knocks the breath from you because he or she is honest and unique.
Maybe we need to reach our own conclusions about what is beautiful and give beauty breadth and scope, so we'll always find something to celebrate in ourselves and those around us.
The Ugly Duckling:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That's not what it's really about. It's really about the difference between who you really are and who you're supposed to be, like, according to your family. So this guy, he was born to a family of ducks And he was suppose to be beautiful or cute or whatever, in a duckish way. Everyone expects him to be. But he's not, so they're disappointed in him until he finds out he's a swan. But he still cant hang out with his family. He has to get away from the other ducks and be beautiful among swans. It's just like us, like everyone.
My mom wants me to be pretty and well dressed in this really conservative, pale-pink way. She expects me to be, because she is. Like the ducks. She thinks I'm wrong because I'm not a duck. All of us, you and me and all our friends, are swans. We're beautiful or special or whatever when we're together, but not in the way our families want us to be. They cant see it, because they think we're supposed to be like them. That's what the story's about.
Oh god, what's wrong with me. Damn.
Fuck it.
Give me something to believe in.
My poor VJC girl in fibre-glass casts on cruches!!! ]: 
HWA CHONG LA! +023.jpg)
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