Everything's going fucking wrong these few days and nothing's making it feel better omgawd WOES. I feel so not-myself[ly] inside my own skin and all I want to do is to crawl out from it and just hide from the rest of the whole wide world. Every morning I just want to stay in bed forever and I dont want to have a wake-up!! kind of wake up. I want to be able to go wherever I want to go with whoever I like, not worrying bout time curfews and incurring my parents' wrath, not coming home sometimes and just get drunk and giddy all over because it's kinda guilt-making and I suppose there's a sense of thrill in it that I enjoy. I want to get away from this place and do something more productive, though I have no idea what's that. I just know I need to go away from this place cuz it SUCKS. Hell, I want to be happy. No, I dont even want to be happy. I just want to be OK.

So now I have to work towards the Goal and make it true and just, y'know, make.it. And I am just so. damn. fucking. tired. I'm neither angry, pissy, or mad though I DO get a lil angsty sometimes. And very sad. But nothing complicated. They're just like the small, simple words you use to learn back when you were really really young and still playing with picture flashcards and have your daddy and mommy pointing at other lil kids when they are crying like hell and say "sad. crying. C-R-Y-I-N-G. crying." I dont blame the Goal. I set it the Goal myself and I'm determine to reach it without any help from anybody else. I just want to depend on myself this time round. I'm just getting tired by this journey[?] I've embarked on towards the Goal. This is just an ordinary kind of life, I guess? But if this is the kind of life I'm getting, then I dont want it. I just want things to go my way sometimes, so certain somethings in the world wont seem to be fucked.

I hate having to act all OK and happy just to not get the mood down when I'm with anybody though I dont succeed sometimes. OK, now I feel worse. I'm such a farking sterotypical bitch going "oh woes, observe and feel my emo gothic pain and angst as shown by my hair dye and self-multilation scars." Only that's like, not the case at all. Most of the time I wallow in self-pity, shake it off after a while and am able to laugh at myself for being so pathetic and teenage angsty-ish. But right now, I cant fucking do anything but watch myself cry.